brightly wound

6th August 2009

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i'm alive!

i’ve been MIA from Tumblr. i left the Tumblr world with such a depressing entry. but just know i am happy, healthy (for the most part.. recovering, at least), and in Love :) boy & i are doing good. he’s back in Portland. i’m not sure when i will be visiting. i’m aiming for the end of the month which is such a long time. i’m a little bummed. i wish i could see him sooner.

anyway, that’s it. that is my Tumblr update :)

11th July 2009

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vent sesh

i love Alex, i really do. he’s my best friend and, i honestly believe this, my other half. there’s absolutely no one else i can imagine my life with. when i imagine my future self, he’s standing right beside me.

with that being said, it drives me absolutely nuts how jealous he gets. absolutely nuts. this is something we continue to struggle with in our relationship. i’m not perfect either and i know i’ve got faults - i still can’t figure out how he puts up with my bouts of brattiness, but i’m really, honestly trying to work on it. i want to be better for him, for me, for us.

a good 95% of our fights stem from A) random guys hitting on me or B) Mark. it’s usually the latter. today we got in an argument/fight that lasted the entire day and wore me out.

i was with mark for almost four years and we were together junior & senior year of high school and the first two years of college. mark was my first serious boyfriend. this bothers alex to no end, for some weird reason, and jesus christ, it’s not like i can go back and change things. if i could, i would - trust me. my relationship with mark was intense/rocky/crazy… when it was good, it was really good but when it was bad, it was just awful. i really enjoyed finding out mark had been cheating on me for almost an entire year with a mutual friend. lovely, right? not to mention his vices got the best of him and completely destroyed our relationship. anyway, our relationship was fucking insane and when it ended, i was pretty much broken.

it’s been about two years since that relationship ended and yes, we’ve been able to put aside everything and be friends. it’s possible to be friends with an ex-boyfriend. trust me. we’re JUST friends and i absolutely want nothing to do with him, romantically. i don’t have those feelings for him anymore. i’m not attracted to him in that way. i still care about him. i will always care about him. i will always worry about him. he’s clean now, he’s better, healthier, happier.. and i’m happy for him.

alex hates that mark and i are friends. he has this fear that i’m going to leave him for mark or for any guy that talks to me. it’s a completely stupid fear and time and time again, i continue to tell him that i have no interest in anyone else, i want him and only him, etc etc.

today mark called just to check in and catch up. i haven’t spoken to him in about a month or so, when we ran into each other at the club… and even then, we didn’t really talk. i told alex i talked to mark and he completely flipped out and started yelling at me. “why are you telling me this? are you trying to get me mad on purpose?” etc, etc. i can’t win - i try to be honest and i get yelled at. if i keep it from him and he finds out, i get yelled at. i can’t fucking win. ever.

i know mark still cares deeply for me & i know he regrets everything that went down between us and how it went down. and he constantly apologizes for it which is a huge change from the person he used to be. but he is just my friend. nothing more.

after alex hung up on me, he wouldn’t answer or return my calls nearly the entire day. i was so irritated/frustrated so i gave up. a few hours ago, he finally called. i straight up told him that i don’t deserve to be treated this way and if he wanted to break up with me, to do it because i was getting tired of him not being able to trust me. i was seriously crying and shaking, wondering if he really was going to break up with me but he didn’t. he’s so stubborn and he holds out on saying sorry way too much. he finally apologized and he kept apologizing profusely.

“when this long distance thing is over, our fights won’t last this long,” he said, “because when i see you, you know i can’t stay mad at you longer than half an hour.” he promised that he would work on his jealousy but he’s said that before and it hasn’t really changed. but i guess it’s a lot to overcome.

things are okay, i guess, but i still feel weird. but relationships ARE stressful and no one said they were easy. so… yeah. we have a long way to go.

9th July 2009

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my trip to portland was short & sweet. i can’t wait to go back but i’m really looking forward to vegas next week. i feel like i’m living out of a suitcase. okay, fine.. not really. but it’s fun to imagine.

is it weird that i can imagine living together already? i was at target with stephy pie and i saw the cutest dishes and all i could think of was, “alex. apartment. future.” i get that way sometimes, when i see things that both of us would really like. particularly in Ikea - i can imagine our furniture, our bedsheets, our lamp, our chairs. i don’t know, is that weird?

we’re in no shape to move in together yet. he still has one more year of college to finish. i start this teaching assistant job in september which i’m looking forward to. i don’t know what his plans after college are and whether or not he’ll be moving back to the bay or staying in portland. it’s something we haven’t really discussed. if he does move back to the bay, he’ll probably live in sausalito with his parents, or — if there’s room — he’ll move in with zack and noah.

he always says things like, “i can’t wait until we have our own place” and “we should move here someday” (in reference to seattle or, currently, these cute apartments in portland we passed by) and i always get so giddy… it’s kind of scary but kind of cool that he may be the last person i’m going to fall in love with. i can see myself with him and as scary as that is.. it’s comforting. and just knowing he sees things for US makes it less scary.

i always thought that, after Mark, i wouldn’t date for a long time. that relationship really, really messed me up. but it’s true that everything happens for a reason and i’m happy, so completely and utterly happy. and i’m in love. i love him so much.

okay, end the mushiness. vegas next week, it’s gonna be nuts!!