i love Alex, i really do. he’s my best friend and, i honestly believe this, my other half. there’s absolutely no one else i can imagine my life with. when i imagine my future self, he’s standing right beside me.
with that being said, it drives me absolutely nuts how jealous he gets. absolutely nuts. this is something we continue to struggle with in our relationship. i’m not perfect either and i know i’ve got faults - i still can’t figure out how he puts up with my bouts of brattiness, but i’m really, honestly trying to work on it. i want to be better for him, for me, for us.
a good 95% of our fights stem from A) random guys hitting on me or B) Mark. it’s usually the latter. today we got in an argument/fight that lasted the entire day and wore me out.
i was with mark for almost four years and we were together junior & senior year of high school and the first two years of college. mark was my first serious boyfriend. this bothers alex to no end, for some weird reason, and jesus christ, it’s not like i can go back and change things. if i could, i would - trust me. my relationship with mark was intense/rocky/crazy… when it was good, it was really good but when it was bad, it was just awful. i really enjoyed finding out mark had been cheating on me for almost an entire year with a mutual friend. lovely, right? not to mention his vices got the best of him and completely destroyed our relationship. anyway, our relationship was fucking insane and when it ended, i was pretty much broken.
it’s been about two years since that relationship ended and yes, we’ve been able to put aside everything and be friends. it’s possible to be friends with an ex-boyfriend. trust me. we’re JUST friends and i absolutely want nothing to do with him, romantically. i don’t have those feelings for him anymore. i’m not attracted to him in that way. i still care about him. i will always care about him. i will always worry about him. he’s clean now, he’s better, healthier, happier.. and i’m happy for him.
alex hates that mark and i are friends. he has this fear that i’m going to leave him for mark or for any guy that talks to me. it’s a completely stupid fear and time and time again, i continue to tell him that i have no interest in anyone else, i want him and only him, etc etc.
today mark called just to check in and catch up. i haven’t spoken to him in about a month or so, when we ran into each other at the club… and even then, we didn’t really talk. i told alex i talked to mark and he completely flipped out and started yelling at me. “why are you telling me this? are you trying to get me mad on purpose?” etc, etc. i can’t win - i try to be honest and i get yelled at. if i keep it from him and he finds out, i get yelled at. i can’t fucking win. ever.
i know mark still cares deeply for me & i know he regrets everything that went down between us and how it went down. and he constantly apologizes for it which is a huge change from the person he used to be. but he is just my friend. nothing more.
after alex hung up on me, he wouldn’t answer or return my calls nearly the entire day. i was so irritated/frustrated so i gave up. a few hours ago, he finally called. i straight up told him that i don’t deserve to be treated this way and if he wanted to break up with me, to do it because i was getting tired of him not being able to trust me. i was seriously crying and shaking, wondering if he really was going to break up with me but he didn’t. he’s so stubborn and he holds out on saying sorry way too much. he finally apologized and he kept apologizing profusely.
“when this long distance thing is over, our fights won’t last this long,” he said, “because when i see you, you know i can’t stay mad at you longer than half an hour.” he promised that he would work on his jealousy but he’s said that before and it hasn’t really changed. but i guess it’s a lot to overcome.
things are okay, i guess, but i still feel weird. but relationships ARE stressful and no one said they were easy. so… yeah. we have a long way to go.
